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Radio Silence

Some circumstances around unexpected deaths will require the surviving family and friends to take on a code of silence.

It may be that the cause of death was traumatic and may be too difficult for people to talk about. There may be investigations surrounding the death which requires confidentiality. Sometimes the family may feel guilty or ashamed and will cast themselves into a “mum’s the word” mentality for self preservation.

One thing for certain for me, is that I need to talk. I find the silence unbearable and it feels like the pressure continues to build inside me if I try to stay quiet. The anxiety needs to have an outlet, and for me, I talk.

My husband has been my rock. He himself may not be as big of a talker as me, but we still check in with each other. If I need to say something, he listens, and vise versa. It feels like we follow this rhythmic pattern where we both go about our days and then every few nights or so, something will bring us back to that day and we will comb through the details and express our feelings all over again.

My friends get a running monologue of my thoughts and feelings via group messenger texts every day. This is our safe place. All four of us know that we can say whatever we need to say and it will be heard and we offer each other help and advice. Sometimes we just laugh and share funny moments in our day. Sometimes we complain and vent and let out all of our frustrations. I’m not the only one who has experienced loss and deals with grief, so we have a way of supporting each other with empathy and love.

I use social media to express myself. When I start to feel overwhelmed or anxious about my current life situation, I find it helpful to put something out into the world that is positive. Education for the masses or even just a “like” of support for my thousands of “virtual friends”. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment that I fulfilled a purpose today.

Any one of these outlets being silenced for any reason makes my day just a little bit harder.

If I’m in a position where I have been sentenced to radio silence, then I need to find another way to let out this pressure. Painting, journaling, and making YouTube videos with Michael seems to be my best go to‘s for now. Some days make me feel like I need to lock myself into a room and just put colors and lines on canvas until every emotion is gone. It never seems to be gone.

Silence is a killer.

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