I’m listening to a lot of Five Finger Death Punch. We did as a family when Johnathan was still alive and now the songs and words have more meaning for me.
Today I feel like I could die. I wouldn’t mind just closing my eyes and never waking up again. The amount of pain and anxiety that I have to carry around during life just is too much. It feels like I can’t breathe. My head hurts and my mind is racing. My leg bounces when I’m anxious. It just keeps shaking no matter how much I try to stop it. I feel dizzy. I feel like I could snap at any minute.
I cried really hard earlier today. Like those really big sobbing tears where you can’t breathe in between. I wanted to know if I would ever feel normal again. I kept apologizing to Johnathan for not knowing what was happening to him. I keep worrying that he was hurting. That he knew something was wrong with him, but didn’t know what it was. I worry that he knew he was dying and he was scared.
What if my baby was scared to die?
What if he was looking around trying to find a way to not die, but didn’t know what to do?
I don’t know when people learn to fear death. I guess you need to know what death is first. And then it would depend on what you believe happens after death to know if you’re scared or not. But even with faith in Heaven and God, it’s still a scary thought to think about dying. We all just want to fall asleep and never wake up. Nobody wants to be in pain while they die.
A battery burning a hole through your esophagus and aorta sounds like a pretty painful experience. Johnathan never acted like he was in pain. So now I don’t know. If he wasn’t in pain, then hopefully he had nothing to fear.
AJ and I held him. At different points while he was dying, we both had him in our arms. During the vomiting, the seizure, and then when he went unconscious and his heart stopped.
I hope he didn’t know we were doing CPR or when the paramedic put the IO in his leg.
I have this feeling now that I’m not afraid to die. I still don’t want to be in pain, but I know when I die, I will be reunited with Johnathan. I don’t know when I might die and I know the pain it will cause for the people who love me. Just like Johnathan’s death has caused me so much pain. Death is definitely worse on the people left on this earth to deal with the loss.
But today, I feel like I could die. The weight of this grief is almost unbearable.