Every thing feels to be getting deeper and more real. I hadn’t gotten to asking why until it was brought up during a GriefShare meeting. Maybe I still haven’t come to the conclusion that this isn’t just a dream.
He’s really not coming back.
Those last moments were truly the very last moments I would have Johnathan in my arms, on this earth with me.
Why was it Johnathan? Why should my family have to go through this loss? Why did things happen this way? Why did we keep taking punches?
We had already had a pretty rough year.
As most of the world experienced, we faced a pandemic at the start of the year. Shut downs, Masks, Isolation…. As an ER PA and a paramedic, we both were automatically on the front lines. Neither of us were really worried for ourselves as we both felt like we would be healthy enough to be in the 99% of people who survived, but we were more concerned about bringing a virus home to our boys or to our parents who might get sick and not live through it.
It was a time of chaos as most of the country turned in to the daily updates of the states and how fast and far the virus was spreading. People were being frantic and selfish and took a lot from their communities in a struggle to survive. Human nature showed its true colors. This was the first punch we took as a family, adjusting to these new “norms”.
In May, my mentor and supervising physician of almost 9.5 years decided that it would be best to terminate me from my position in the ER. My anger toward him and his actions during such an already chaotic time in our lives was deep rooted. To this day I often wonder why was my career thrown onto another path that day? Why was our livelihood strained and challenged? It was the second punch we took as a family. Cutting our income by 70% with no solution in the near future. I was furious with this man who thought he could control my life and my families.
I found a new job in North Carolina and desperately tried to take back some sense of control. We were moving two states away, from all our family and friends and beginning a new adventure with just the four of us. Mommy, Daddy and our two sons. We knew it wouldn’t be easy, but we knew together we could do it. We struggled to find a way to get both boys to school, me off to work, and finding a new job for Daddy. It’s amazing how many counties were on a hiring freeze during the pandemic. People weren’t calling 911. People were staying home.
Then December comes along and I test positive for that virus. We had been quarantined and forced to keep the boys home thanks to the CDC a few times previously with close contacts in school. Now with my positive test, we were all together trying to stay healthy and not go crazy in an apartment with two boys under 4. We finally get out December 15th to celebrate my birthday a few days late at the Greensboro Science Center Christmas Lights Display.
It was beautiful. This trash fire of a year was coming to a close.
Then December 20th we get the third and largest punch any one can ever experience. Johnathan dies. In our arms. He bleeds out in minutes and our lives change in front of our eyes forever.
It’s a question I don’t think there’s an answer that I will ever fully understand or be content with. Haven‘t we suffered enough? I’m a rainbows and butterflies type of person. Determined to highlight the positives in life. Even on bad days I tell myself that there’s always something to be grateful for. Weeks before Johnathan died, I remember talking to AJ about our struggles and said “at least we have our health”. That changed quickly. Why does it feel like we’ve had to endure punch after punch?
I don’t care too much for people throwing themselves pity parties, but now here I am throwing one for myself. Maybe it’s a lesson to be learned. It‘s ok to feel like the world is crashing around you and you’ll never get out of the hole that you’re in. It‘s ok to stew in those thoughts and feelings for a while. It’s ok to not smile today and to ask why.
Scream out, Why!
Why my son?
Why my family?
Why do we keep getting punched?
The answer isn’t going to be found today or any time soon, and that’s ok. Rainbows come after the storm. (Cheesy ending for those positive people…. I’m still in the hole in the ground)